


helpless

by boyslightup



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Finn is NOT prepared to deal with this even though he loves Poe, M/M, Poe has too many pent up emotions that aren't explored, Toxic Masculinity, one huge ass mental breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 11:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21015173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyslightup/pseuds/boyslightup
Summary: Poe refuses to let himself face his emotions, and Finn doesn't know what to do about it.





	helpless

**Author's Note:**

> this is a callout fic for rian johnson thinking he can throw toxic masculinity at poe and think poe can glide through life with no serious repercussions because of it

“I don’t know what to do,” Poe pouted, slumping back against the wall, “And I always know what to do. I’m always certain of everything. I always jump into things headfirst and everyone screams at me about it, but in the end, I did the right thing and we reached our objective. Apparently no one agrees, though!”

Finn’s heart sank. This was one of the toughest situations he had ever been in. His social and emotional skill set wasn’t bulky enough, a dozen pilots died, and here was his partner at the core of it. He couldn’t support what Poe had done, he felt right in General Organa’s humiliating lecture towards him, but he couldn’t bear to see Poe upset.

“It isn’t even the first time, either. Remember when General Organa shot me? What a fun experience that was! Made me feel so good about myself!” Poe huffed, drawing his knees to his chest. He wanted to cool down and keep his lid on, but too much of his intensity was driving him to explode. “Oh, wait, that’s the one time you weren’t there. See? I can’t help myself.” When Finn remained silent, he winced and curled into himself further, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t involve you in this. You can go if you want.”

Finn reached for Poe’s hand, the only thing he could think of to do. When Poe pulled away he sighed, now frustrated, and he bit his tongue to stop himself from commenting. He reached out for Poe one more time, petting his arm until Poe turned back around and curled up against him.

“I don’t know how to calm down,” Poe put his head on Finn’s shoulder, getting comfortable in the crook of his neck. “It’s like I’m running on coaxium at all times and I can’t seem to get it out of my system. I’m ready to blow up and obliterate everything in my path even though I think I can be the saviour of the whole universe.”

Poe looked like he was on the verge of tears. Hot, angry, self deprecative tears. It was unusual and uncomfortable to see his pent up feelings begin to spill out. Yes, he showed his fire all the time, but not like this. Right now he was raw and honest… vulnerable. Nothing was more bizarre than seeing Poe Dameron let himself be vulnerable. Finn, despite loving and caring about him, was terrified to see what Poe could be at his most vulnerable.

“You haven’t given yourself a break in a long time,” Finn brushed Poe’s hair out of his eyes, trying to tuck it behind his ears. It didn’t reach far enough, so it fell back in front of his eyes. “Maybe you should try forgetting about everything for a while.”

Poe clenched his teeth and lowered his brow, “Yeah? Well, how do you suppose I’ll do that, buddy? We’re in a war. The deadliest war since the battle against the second Death Star, which was, you know, the death of the Empire. My parents fought in it and were heroes, so why shouldn’t I do that too with the Resistance? They’re dead and I should be making them proud.” He clutched his necklace, hoping the lingering memories and comfort of Shara Bey would calm him somewhat. (They didn’t).

When Poe felt Finn recoil, he felt sick and weighed down with guilt, “Hey, buddy. I’m sorry for,” He winced and tried not to crumble in on himself, “I’m sorry for snapping. I shouldn’t have but I feel so, so, I don’t know!”

“You don’t need to make excuses,” Finn turned his head and hooked his forefinger under Poe’s chin. Taking a proper look at Poe’s state was heartbreaking to the point that it induced nausea. Poe couldn’t get away with how much of a dick he’d been to everyone for the past hour, and now he was even being a dick to Finn. Finn thought that he was attempting to push him away, but he wasn’t sure. He could never be sure about anything that ran through Poe’s hyperspeed brain. “I just don’t know what to do to help you.”

“I don’t think anyone can help me until all of this is over,” Poe’s eyes flickered and he felt lightheaded when he looked in Finn’s gaze. “And then I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t know what’s next once this war is over. Fighting is all I’ve ever known and-” His heart stopped when Finn kissed him.

Even with Finn’s emotional, soft lips on his, Poe still freaked out about not being able to calm down. He kissed back, hard and messy, trying to force everything out of his mind. His nose banged against Finn’s and he winced, his teeth then clinking against Finn’s and getting caught on his lip.

Finn pulled away and apologised a million times over for kissing Poe. It felt wrong and hasty, and it was an attempt to make him quiet and settle into the moment, but now his own lip was bleeding and Poe’s head was in his hands. Usually, they weren’t like this. Their relationship flowed like a river and they stayed at an even level, but now, things were getting too intense.

“It’s okay, buddy,” Poe closed his eyes. He breathed deep into his belly, his eyes shut, putting all his effort into soothing the agitation that begged to shift into misery. He hated being miserable, and he supposed most people did, but he was Poe Dameron. Poe who always had a smile on his face and fought as though his life depended on it. He didn’t have time to be sad. “I should find something to do. I’m wasting my time.”

Poe pulled himself up, but Finn grabbed his wrist so hard it could have bruised. Finn didn’t want Poe to go anywhere any time soon.

“Do you really think you’re in any state to go out there and not flip a table or scream in someone’s face?” Finn didn’t want to paint Poe as a bad guy, and Poe wasn’t bad by any stretch, but he didn’t want Poe to have any more regrets nestling beneath his tough skin by expressing his unwavering volatility. Poe was chaos. Beautiful, sometimes embarrassing, pure chaos that Finn wished he could understand or help.

Everything within Poe wanted him to lie and say he could compose himself, but the thought of someone telling him he failed or reminding him of how much of a screwup he was made him want to fight anything and everything. “No.” As soon as he said that, the inner corners of his eyes burned and swelled with tears. He couldn’t cry and he wouldn’t cry. Even if he was alone he’d refuse to cry. Leaders don’t cry…  _ men don’t cry _ . He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen anyone cry, let alone a man. Maybe he could fit in somewhere if he adhered to that standard.

“I’m not trying to babysit you, but I’m worried about you,” Finn grimaced and hung his head. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

Poe looked down and bit his lip, not sexually, but as a way to make himself shut up so he could articulate how he wanted to come across and hide his tears. “People died, Finn. They died because of me.” He yanked his wrist away from Finn and jumped to the bed on the other side of the room, pulling the pillow over his head. He let go and sobbed, forcing himself to pretend Finn wasn’t there. It was humiliating as  _ hell _ .

“My parents would be so disappointed in me,” Poe cried into his mattress, “But why should I care? I’m a grown man. If they were alive I wouldn’t spare them a single thought over this.”

Time stood still and Poe thought he would pass out by the time Finn came over and sat on the floor beside him. Finn was silent and awkward and feeling lost. He considered asking someone, anyone, what to do, but Poe would lose the plot even further. That was the worst-case scenario.

“Poe, please, please,  _ please _ , talk to me. I know I don’t know how to help, but you can tell me anything.” Finn reached out, placing his hand on Poe’s back and running circles on it with the tips of his fingers. Poe’s breath hitched and he cried harder, not slowing down but now accepting for Finn to shuffle onto the bed with him.

"There is nothing to talk about."

All Finn thought of to do was caress Poe, whisper to him, let him know it’d be okay. Poe didn’t believe him, not even for half a moment, and he refused to believe anyone cared. Everything was still fast and blurry, sickening and tiring. This couldn’t work for himself. Nothing would work. Nothing could or should or-

Poe fell asleep. It was only early, but he was so ripped apart he crumbled into messy sleep that forced his demons to scream in his nightmares. He remembered the faces of people who he indirectly killed, the people he treated horribly, the expression on General Organa’s face every time he screwed something up no matter how good his intentions were, and most of all: the horror and sadness that stayed on his parents faces as they saw what their little boy turned into.

As Poe slumbered, Finn took the pillow off his head to make sure he didn’t suffocate and curled up close to him. He wasn’t sure if Poe would appreciate it, but he needed Poe, even though he was asleep, to feel safe. He needed himself to feel like he was safe.

There was no telling how things would pan out from here on out. Maybe Poe would wake up in five minutes time, or twelve hours. He had too many duties to sleep in, but he needed it. Finn couldn’t decide whether it was selfish to let Poe miss out on things he was meant to do, but that didn’t matter. Poe needed time to be quiet.

Finn wanted to cry into the crook of Poe’s neck, but he didn’t. He wanted to stay and sleep in his bed, but he didn’t. Guilt tore through him that he ditched Poe, but he had to. He couldn’t force himself into the emotion, let alone get addicted to it, no matter how much he loved Poe. He didn’t want to think about how Poe would react to his empty bed once he woke up, but it wasn’t a problem for right now.

As Finn walked down the hallway, he put on his brave face and tried to pretend nothing happened. It would only make things worse, but what was he to do? What was anyone to do?

**Author's Note:**

> it's 1:12 am and i'm emotional lol


End file.
